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Conflicted

August 1, 2008

I keep getting emails asking what the deal is… why am I in a mini-funk?  I’ve been dealing pretty well this week with all of the crazy things going on… until now.  I just kind of snapped.  A friend just called and told me she had to cancel our plans for the weekend.  Her father passed away this morning. 

This is what absolutely sucks about being a military spouse.  The tear in your heart… should I stay home and be with my husband?  He’s only going to be home for 12 months before leaving for another 15 again.  Do I go and spend time with my family?  Do I sit by the bed with my father, who is dying?  The Friend and I have conversations at least twice a week about what she should do.  It’s horrible, but the only advice I can give is simple: follow your heart.  Well, now her heart is broken… and mine breaks for her.

My mom was scheduled to have a lump in her breast biopsied three days ago.  The appointment was with the wrong doctor, so we were worried all weekend and week for no reason.  She ended up having the biopsy yesterday.  The only thing the doctor could say was “I don’t feel good about this.”  Thanks jerk.  Really good thing to say to someone getting her breast cut open! 

I’m glad that I’m this close to home, but I feel guilty too.  It’s hard to step back and remove myself from military life.  If The Husband was active duty right now, we’d be in Georgia with the rest of our squadron.  We’re here.  And I’m grateful.  I’m guilty because I can be close to my family and my fellow sisters out there can’t be. 

My friend, my dear friend lost her father today and she wasn’t there.  She’s scrambling now, trying to get emergency leave so she, her husband and baby can get to Vermont.  Her house here still isn’t unpacked.  In fact, a month and half after the first attempt to get down there to help her- I was going to finish it all up this weekend. 

I wish I could go and unpack her life for her.  Make it home.  You’re in my prayers.  Always.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 1, 2008 19:47

    Yeah, that is the hard thing about this life…no matter where you are life has a way of biting you in the ass when you are least ready to deal with it. I am sorry for your friend, and for you. I know that being a helpless position when one of your friends is hurting is a hard place to be. I also pray your mother’s diagnosis will be contrary to the doctor’s words. I hate providers who don’t take the time to think about how their words will affect the patient and their families…..makes me wonder if they ever actually heard of the terminology “bed-side manners”.

    Keeping you in my thoughts…..

    ~ASW

  2. 1freshstart permalink
    August 2, 2008 09:39

    Thanks ASW. Thank you so much.

  3. August 2, 2008 12:49

    Oh, ouch. Life is so fragile, it’s hard not to let it get you down at times. We just had a friend of ours lose their 18 month old baby. I don’t know how people can manage to carry on, and yet there’s always beauty and friendship to pull us through.
    I’m sorry for you friend, your mom, your dad, and I’m so glad you have your husband now. Hang in there!
    Maybe make some more of those gorgeous pancakes to perk you up.

  4. August 4, 2008 09:23

    I just wanted to head over and say hello and that I hope that the day dawned a little brighter for you and yours.

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