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A little bit… Part I

August 5, 2008

This is long.  Pull up a chair… and if you drink wine- pour a glass (or two). 

If I’m going to be honest here, because this is, after all, my space to be me.  (Hence the 1freshstart… it’s me- finding me again).  I’ll let everyone who reads this in on a secret.  Shhh… don’t tell anyone.  I’d hate for anyone to find out that a seemingly strong person failed.  Deep breath.  *wink*  I’m seeing someone.  He’s wonderful, beyond amazing.  He listens to me when I talk, helps me through my “issues” and guides me in a gentle loving way.  Each time I see him, we begin and end our conversation with a prayer.  He’s my pastor (sort-of).  He’s my counselor.  I thank God for him every day.  God does that, you know… He puts people in your life that are specifically designed with a purpose for you.  Sometimes they remain in your life for a short period of time, sometimes they linger throughout adolescence and adulthood… standing sometimes in front of you, sometimes behind you, sometimes beside you, and sometimes out of reach.

In November last year I had a little mental breakdown and spiralled out of control.  The Husband didn’t know what to do with me.  There really wasn’t anything he could do except continue loving and believing in me.  It was a terrible journey through depression that is best described when I say I woke up every.single.morning. praying, “God, is this the day you’re going to take me home?  Please, just let it be over.”  It’s interesting to think about that time in life.  I’ve never gone through anything like that before… and I blacked out 9 months of my life… no recollection at all.

My father has suffered with depression the better part of his life.  He’s a recovered alcoholic, sober for about a year now… with a couple lapses in between.  I spent my childhood fighting my father.  Hating him.  As an adult, I went through a short bout of alcoholism myself.  I was 18 and I felt like I couldn’t breath without a drink.  I sobered up in February 2000 and I occasionally enjoy an alcoholic beverage.  As a child, I couldn’t understand what was wrong with my father, and worse, I couldn’t forgive him for his behavior as a depressed alcoholic.  I looked at his life and I thought, ‘what the heck is wrong with him?  He’s got such a great family… why is he always so angry?  Why is he always so sad?’  I never thought I’d feel it myself. I also never realized I’d come to love him as much as I do today.

I know what caused the depression.  I know some of it is genetic.  I know the triggers that set it off but it took a lot of counseling and a lot of prayer to get me through.  The Husband would set his beautiful blue eyes on me and beg for his wife back.  I’d roll my eyes and walk out on him.  My friends would call and I’d put on an act about how great everything was.  Eventually, I stopped answering the phone and never returned calls.  Their calls became less and less frequent.  They thought I’d moved on… found new friends to replace them.  Of course we had new friends.  The Husband and I are social people.  We like to entertain, we like to be involved.  I continued with my charade, living in a world of make believe… pasting a smile on my face while I screamed inside.  I never replaced my friends though.  Never.

I finally gave up the fight one day.  I broke down and told a friend here how I felt.  She suggested counseling.  Before I convinced myself to back out- I called the counselor.  I had an appointment the next day.  When he answered all I could do was cry.  He asked, “Is this Cat?”  I sobbed harder and he said, “Are you available tomorrow at 2:00?  I’ll see you then.  I’ve been expecting you.”  And that’s how I got involved with this man that I see every other week. 

God sees into our hearts.  He knows our hurts and He knows what lies ahead.  I’ve blocked out so much of the last year that I’m amazed I’m still alive.  This post started out as an intro into a conversation I had with one of my best friends last night… but we’ll make that Part II.  I need to finish what I’m doing then head home, hug The Husband and tell him how much I love him.  I’ll reiterate that I don’t exactly know what I put him through- but I’m sure it was hell.  I need to thank him for loving me and standing beside me through it all. 

I used to be one of those people that saw the depression commercials and roll my eyes while saying “get over it already!”  Ha.  I’ve survived so much in life and I’m still the one that people cling to in desperate times.  I’m the happy one. 

Glad I’m back.

Let me introduce you to some people in my life.  The ones who were always there… always lurking in the background and know who I am and who I have been.  This picture was taken as a “pimpin out” picture for The Troop to post on his myspage page or whatever. 

From Left: The Left Arm,  The Troop, me, and The Artist (who I will introduce you to later). 

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Trish permalink
    August 5, 2008 16:45

    I am glad that you have good friends to help you get through tough times. Guess it didn’t help that I dumped on you when the boyfriend and I broke up….Sorry I was so selfish. I am always here if you need anyting!

  2. August 5, 2008 23:33

    You know, everyone needs a good counselor in their life at some point. I am so glad you are finding yourself again and are finding happiness in your life. Depression can be such a scary thing… I’ve seen it grasp ahold of some wonderful people and have watched as they have spiraled down that deep hole.
    Glad you have the support you need… your friends, In God, and your weekly sessions.

  3. August 6, 2008 21:49

    I’m so glad that there is available help for the very real problem of depression. Can you imagine what it was like for people just 50 years ago? I’m so sorry for what you had to go through, but so happy for your journey or recovery.

  4. August 7, 2008 13:31

    Stop it! The good friends that got me through? I didn’t talk to anyone. You were going through your own rough patch… you know I’m here for you though.
    Kristen and Erin,
    Thanks for the well wishes. I really am doing much better now. Quite possibly- close to normal (for me.)

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